WHO IS SHE?

Please be careful!

This person has found her way
into my house
and could also get into yours.

A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady
has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is,
where she came from,
or how she got in.

I certainly did not invite her.
All I know is that
one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady
and manages to keep out of sight
for the most part,
but whenever I pass a mirror
I catch a glimpse of her.

And, whenever I look in the mirror
to check my appearance,
there she is hogging the whole thing,
completely obliterating
my gorgeous face and body.
This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her,
but she just screams back.
The least she could do is
offer to pay rent,
but, no!

Every once in a while,
I find a dollar bill

stuck in a coat pocket,
or some loose change

under a sofa cushion,
but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions,
but I think she is stealing money from me.
I go to the ATM and withdraw $100,
and a few days later,
it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast,
so I can only conclude
the old lady is pilfering from me.
You'd think she would
spend some of that money
to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing
I think she is stealing.
Food seems to disappear

at an alarming rate-
especially the good stuff like
ice cream, cookies and candy.

She must have a real sweet tooth,
but she'd better watch it,
because she is really packing on the pounds.
I suspect she realizes this,
and to make herself feel better,
she is tampering with my scale
to make me think I am

putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish.
She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets

when I'm not home
and altering my clothes

so they don't fit.

And she messes with files and papers
so I can't find anything.
This is particularly annoying
since I am extremely
neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways
to annoy me.
She gets into my mail,
newspapers and magazines before I do
and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister
to the volume controls on my TV,
radio and telephone.
Now, all I hear are

mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things -
like make my stairs steeper,
my vacuum heavier
and all the knobs and faucets

harder to turn.

She even made my bed higher
so that getting into and out of it
is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my

groceries before I put them away,
applying glue to the lids,
making it almost impossible
for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of
shopping for clothes.
When I try something on,
she stands in front of the

dressing room mirror
and monopolizes it.

She looks totally ridiculous

in some of those outfits,
plus she keeps me from seeing
how great they look on me.

Just when I thought
she couldn't get any meaner,
she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to
get my picture taken for my driver's license
and just as the camera shutter clicked,
she jumped in front of me.

I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

I really do!